A 68-year-old Spanish actor just had a baby via surrogacy. A psychologist says anxiety and grief can be particular concerns for older parents and their young children

The Spanish actor Ana Obregón celebrated her birthday last week with a unique gift: a baby girl, born via surrogate two days after Obregón turned 68.

Obregón announced the birth by sharing a magazine cover with a photo of her and her daughter leaving a hospital in Miami. In the caption, she alluded to the death of her only other child, a son, in 2020 from cancer. He was 27.

“A light full of love came into my darkness,” she wrote in Spanish. “I will never be alone again. I AM ALIVE AGAIN.”

Some people were outraged by Obregón’s decision to have a child at an age when many people retire. The response was particularly intense in Spain, where Obregón lives and where surrogacy is banned. Since the baby was born in the US, Obregón could legally adopt her daughter when she returns to Spain.

Jennifer Kowalski, a licensed professional counselor specializing in women’s issues and grief at Thriveworks in Cheshire, Connecticut, said that while Obregón’s decision to have another child was understandable, critics might view it as a selfish way “to distract from the pain of her loss.”

The psychologist says people can’t avoid grief by replacing a lost loved one

Grief can be so painful for some that they’re willing to pursue anything to help stop the pain. Kowalski speculated that for Obregón, having another child may have felt like a step toward healing.

“Grief leaves us with all the love we had for our person and no place to put it,” Kowalski said.

Kowalski says that generally, trying to replace a lost loved one can be a recipe for disaster.

“Anyone who has tried replacing a person or animal that you have lost knows very well it will never fill the void,” she said. “Usually what happens in those situations is that the griever begins to feel anger towards the replacement for not taking away the pain. Over time, neither party in the relationship is getting what they need, and it becomes dysfunctional if they do not evaluate what is happening with an honest heart.”

Obregón’s daughter could have a lot to cope with, too

Kowalski said Obregón’s daughter is likely to face questions about her unique birth story, which could be taxing for her.

Additionally, Obregón would be 86 when her daughter turns 18.

Kowalski suggested the knowledge that a parent may not live to see their child reach adulthood could cause anxiety for both or lead the child to develop an anxious attachment style — especially if they’re close.

“The fear of not having one another would be devastating,” Kowalski said.

She said that older parents like Obregón or grandparents raising grandchildren should consider the children while making their end-of-life plans. She added that while children are often expected to help care for their parents at the end of life, it would be problematic to put that responsibility on a teenager. Kowalski said parents can avoid burdening their children with care logistics by hiring professional caregivers if necessary and ensuring their wills and other end-of-life documents are in order.